A SPECIAL REPORT

   Ignoring threats from the FCC, CIA, and OTB, Alan Schwartz (D, Washington DC) announced on July 19 the creation of a Yahoo! discussion group devoted to the perpetual continuation of a discussion that began in Kusadasi, Turkey on July 3, 2001.  The discussion, far too complicated to describe here, had something to do with the use of pomegranate seeds in a nuclear missile defense shield.  The chief opponents of Schwartz, a lifelong advocate of a pomegranate embargo, were Jane Pade and Paula Topley, who argued that pomegranate seeds, distasteful as they may be, would be accepted by the general public if mixed with banana slices, honey, and a dollop of heavy cream.  Pade and Topley also maintain that anything is acceptable if it can be measured in dollops.
   The new site's address: http://groups.yahoo.com/
group/sporadesmemories.

  Dick  Caldwell of Sporades Tours announced Tuesday the results of an exhaustive study by an NEH/NEA entertainment subcommittee.  In addition to proving that red and white wine were equally beneficial to health if drunk in sufficient quantity, the study also demonstrated that for virtually all Americans it is cheaper to spend 3 or 4 weeks in Greece or Turkey than to stay at home! 
   There were, however, several qualifications to the subcommittee's conclusions:
1.  You must go to Greece or Turkey on a Sporades Tour, or
2.  You must go by yourself and sleep under bridges.
3.  You must own a boat or airplane in America.
4.  A sufficiently large daily dose of wine (of any color) cannot be measured in dollops.
 

    The Samos Kouros: real or fake?  Classicist Don      Connor maintains it is really Leonardo DiCaprio.

   During the 20th century, many members of the Yoruk ("Nomad") tribe abandoned their wandering life of sheep-herding in the vast stretches of the Toros Mountains (the long mountain range that separates the Mediterranean coast of Turkey from the Anatolian plateau) and established permanent homes along the coast.  Most of them are farmers, some have become entrepreneurs in the exploding tourist trade of this region, and a few have been sufficiently corrupted by civilization to become politicians.

 Nuri Yilmaz, author of this remarkable but brief book (it's only 3 pages long and the print is quite large), has combined all three professions.  Around 12 years ago the Yilmaz clan decided to leave their tents and upland pastures to settle in the area around the ancient site of Aspendus.  Almost all the present population of Aspendus are members of the Yilmaz clan, and they all have beautiful small farms in the lush delta of the Eurymedon River.

 Since Nuri lived only 200 yards from the ancient theater (a spectacular building, the best-preserved ancient theater anywhere in the world), he converted the veranda of his home into a small refreshment stand, hoping to attract the tourists who were coming to Aspendus in increasing numbers.  On the other side of the site his brother Durmush did exactly the same thing, in the shadow of the ancient aqueduct (also one of the best-preserved in the world).

 Eight years ago Nuri met the present reviewer and we became good friends.  I've watched his son Mesut and his daughters Fatma and Dudu grow up, I've taken all my Turkish groups to meet the Yilmaz family, and I witnessed all the events which are related in Nuri's book.

 The title is somewhat misleading, since Nuri's encounters with Americans occupy the first and last sentences of the book.  Only the relatively lengthy middle section (page 2) concerns Nuri's election as Muhtar ("Mayor") of Aspendus, which turned out to be a traumatic event in his life.

 This is the first sentence:
"Shortly after I became Muhtar of Aspendus, my fame and reputation reached America, and a group of American movie people, from a place called Walt Disney, came with Dick to see me and drew many pictures of me, Halime [Nuri's wife], and my children, since they were making a movie about someone named Hercules, which I have not seen, and we all had a wonderful picnic."

 And this is the last sentence:
"In 1996 my friend Dick, the one who brings so many crazy Americans to have a picnic with me and my family, finally brought me the bottle of Johnny Walker whiskey I had asked for, but he forgot that I specifically said that the label should be black."

 The central section of the book (all of page 2, in fact) is concerned with Nuri's election as mayor, a victory facilitated by the fact that all the voters were named Yilmaz and Nuri was the only candidate.  This is what he says:
"After I was elected muhtar, my first official duty was to go to Ankara, the capital of our country, to receive my official seal of office.  It took more than 20 hours to go by bus from Aspendus to Ankara, then I spent 2 days waiting to get the stupid seal, and then another 20 hours to return to Aspendus.  Why did I want to be mayor, anyway?  I miss my sheep."